Unknown Beauty

My biological clock is ticking so hard that I'm afraid the second hand will just stop working at any moment. Although I have my hands full with an 11 year old, and a husband who sometimes acts like an 11 year old, this house definitely needs a baby.
I heard this guy this morning talking about how women's eggs are special and need to be used before their "expiration date". I thought to myself, "Hey! I got some of those left. And they are probably on the verge of expiration". So, in order not to be wasteful, I think we should have a baby. A sweet, cute, screaming, smelly, obnoxious when it becomes a teen Baby.

But I have a few ground rules for Mother Nature, AND for those around me:

1-I MUST be spoiled throughout the entire length of my pregnancy. A happy mom makes a happy baby.
2-I should be able to go to the front of every long line and get every front parking space because I'm "tired". I predict I will be "tired".
3-I want some hips out of the deal. I was once told by some dude that I would have the perfect body if I just had hips. So in honor of 'that dude', I think I should be able to get some hips. Just not too big.
4-Ice cream will need to be added to the 4 Food groups. In particular, Dove chocolate ice cream with a layer of chocolate ganache.
5-complimentary plastic surgery with each child. I expect to leave the hospital in the same condition (if not better) than before I got pregnant
6-before leaving the hospital, all children will be injected with a 24 year's supply of truth serum-to be activated on their 10th birthday.
7-children will also be programmed not to cry between the hours of 12am and 5am. It preserves their vocal chords.
8-I am allowed to cuss as much as I want throughout my entire pregnancy. No reason-just cuz!
9-All diapers containing Dirty Little Thing #1 will be changed by Mom. All diapers containing Dirty Little Thing #2 will be changed by Dad
10-an in-house massage therapist

Any other women wishing to be placed on the list for the new pregnancy rules, please feel free to contact me.
~Eve