1.11.2009

When the HELL did I start wearing sweat pants???!!!


This weekend, that's when.
I pride myself on being a Diva, and I love to look great. But there comes a time in everyone's life when we must all bow down and admit to being defeated. I would like to share my story of "defeat", and announce that I am now trading in my stilettos and skinny jeans for Timbs and sweat pants. All because 3 little demons that you people sometimes call "Children" tried to "take me out" this weekend. The story goes a little like this..

Saturday morning in the Billingslea household, and all is quiet. My coffee is great, and I am relaxing watching the news. I am interrupted by what sounds like an earthquake in my bonus room. I try to ignore the sound of the herd of children; that is until my windows start rattling-okay, now I draw the line..

Me: "Shane!!!! What are you guys doing?!"

Shane (the oldest demon, and out of breath at the moment): "Nothing"

Me: "Who's running?"

Shane (still out of breath): "No one"

Me: "Well then why are you out of breath?"

Shane: "Oh, we were just chasing each other a little bit"

Wow-excuse me for being the idiot who thought chasing people involved RUNNING. Silly me.

So I say my little speech, and go back to my room. At this point, I have warned them that there is to be NO running inside the house, no screaming to the person downstairs while you are upstairs, and no tying anything to ANY ceiling fan in the house whatsoever (that's another story..I will save that for later).

I guess I was talking to the wall because the earthquake continued. Even after taking away all of their video games and making them run outside, they were STILL giving me a run for my money. Then it dawned on me-These "children" are trying to take me out! What did they do, make a deal with a child mob boss? They want me gone, and they want me gone NOW. And the bonus room is obviously where they do all of their plotting. My husband is gone, and it is just me. I HAVE to protect my life.

About an hour later I hear this "Clank, clank. Clank, clank" coming from underneath my bed. At first I thought it was just me going crazy. Perhaps the "children" had slipped something into my coffee that morning, and I am finally going insane just as they planned. Although I feel as though this is just another ploy that the demons had plotted on, I decide to investigate anyway. I look under the bed to find my precious Georgie (a small demon with four legs and a tail) with his head rammed into a can of Raviolis. What in the world?! Has he sided with the enemy too? Time to approach the demons with questions..

Me: "Who had a can of Raviolis?"

Shane: "Not me"

Jonah (the littlest demon of them all): "Not me. I don't even like Raviolis"

Mike Mike (the middle demon): "I did"

Me: "Did you leave the can out?"

Mike Mike: "No."

Jonah: "Yes he did. I saw him."

Me: "Jonah, did you see Georgie get the can of Raviolis?"

Jonah: "Yeah."

Me: "Well, why didn't you say anything?"

Jonah: "I don't know. I just didn't."

I could see the joy in the little one's eyes as he smelled despair and defeat all over me. This was all a part of their plan. The dog is orange, I am pissed, and the "children" are now happy.
I make an attempt to collect myself and try to return my dog to a normal color, when...Thump. Thump, thump.."Waaaaaaa!!!!!" Oh man, someone is crying.
All 3 demons run down at once..One is crying, and one is holding his face on the verge of tears.

Me: "What happened?"

Mike Mike: "Jonah kicked Shane in the eye!"

Me: "What?! Did you do that?"

Jonah(emphatically): "Yeah!"

Me: "Why?!"

Jonah: "Because we were playing and I got hurt."

Me: "Well, did you start the game first?"

Jonah: "Yeah, but I'm still mad cuz I got hurt."
So you kick someone in the eye.That's great
As I stand there looking at all 3 demons, my orange dog, and a kitchen that looks like a bomb hit it, I realize that they have won. This is what they wanted all along. Doesn't matter what I want. Not at all. Doesn't matter that my plan to was to put on a cute pair of skinny jeans and a top and go for coffee with Crystal. Does not even matter that I have been trying to get out of these sweats and into my skinny jeans all morning. Not a bit. And forget about the fact that I have been cleaning since 10am and the house is still dirty. I know its only 3 now, but is there a liquor store close by?

I have always prided myself at being good at handling "children", but I have learned that little demons will win every time. Perhaps since I am new to this, I have not grown that extra pair of eyes in the back of my head yet. Maybe they only appear after you've become a Grandma.
So, I am admitting defeat. And trading in my skinny jeans for sweat pants. I guess we are still not "There" yet.

4 comments:

Kia Taylor said...

I traded in my skinny jeans a year ago, but guess what...I'm BACK!! Yep, I've been quite for too long! Don't let them take you down Eve! Back away from the sweats, back awayyyyyyyy from the sweats!!

xoxo

Lester said...

This has to be the funniest things I've read in a lonnnngggg time. I cried!!! Please write more!!!

Shawn Michel de Montaigne said...

I don't have children--and this post almost makes me thankful for that!

The truth is, I love kids (I'm a tutor; I better!), and your post put me right there, in the action.

Are your Diva days over? I doubt it. Just interrupted. Sometimes.

:--)

Christie-A Work In Progress said...

Okay your blog is just fricken hilarious! I am the opposite of you...I wear sweats all the time and I am trying to find that Diva in me...I know she is here somewhere! Thanks for following me on Twitter (@chatterboxcgc) and I will return the favor!