Unknown Beauty

My biological clock is ticking so hard that I'm afraid the second hand will just stop working at any moment. Although I have my hands full with an 11 year old, and a husband who sometimes acts like an 11 year old, this house definitely needs a baby.
I heard this guy this morning talking about how women's eggs are special and need to be used before their "expiration date". I thought to myself, "Hey! I got some of those left. And they are probably on the verge of expiration". So, in order not to be wasteful, I think we should have a baby. A sweet, cute, screaming, smelly, obnoxious when it becomes a teen Baby.

But I have a few ground rules for Mother Nature, AND for those around me:

1-I MUST be spoiled throughout the entire length of my pregnancy. A happy mom makes a happy baby.
2-I should be able to go to the front of every long line and get every front parking space because I'm "tired". I predict I will be "tired".
3-I want some hips out of the deal. I was once told by some dude that I would have the perfect body if I just had hips. So in honor of 'that dude', I think I should be able to get some hips. Just not too big.
4-Ice cream will need to be added to the 4 Food groups. In particular, Dove chocolate ice cream with a layer of chocolate ganache.
5-complimentary plastic surgery with each child. I expect to leave the hospital in the same condition (if not better) than before I got pregnant
6-before leaving the hospital, all children will be injected with a 24 year's supply of truth serum-to be activated on their 10th birthday.
7-children will also be programmed not to cry between the hours of 12am and 5am. It preserves their vocal chords.
8-I am allowed to cuss as much as I want throughout my entire pregnancy. No reason-just cuz!
9-All diapers containing Dirty Little Thing #1 will be changed by Mom. All diapers containing Dirty Little Thing #2 will be changed by Dad
10-an in-house massage therapist

Any other women wishing to be placed on the list for the new pregnancy rules, please feel free to contact me.


Nicole said...

Well after having 3 of them I can say that you will get the hips but the rest........I dont think so! Wouldnt it be nice though :)

Eve said...

I think you're right Nicole. Wishful thinking on my part-lol

parentingBYdummies said...

Well, Nicole was lucky, b/c @ least she got hips. I on the other hand got a tasty muffin tops and a set of love handles to match. Pretty much everything except my hips got bigger. But, you should do it any way. Now that I have rendered myself infertile, I wish babies on pretty much every person who wants one. It's only fair now that I can't have any more.

Fiona said...

You can have my hips! LOL I love your list!

Musings of the Mrs. said...

We are so trying to get pregnant, and I think I better save this post, just so my husband will understand the rules. But, maybe I'll wait and give it to him AFTER I get pregnant. Just in case.

April said...

Oh I wish it worked that way! LOL

Thanks for stopping by my blog during the UBP :)

Shawn Michel de Montaigne said...

This is a cute post; here's to wishing your clock (or your eggs) don't expire.

Here's also to wishing (praying, begging) that children born today have a world worth living in. We're destroying it by the second, and leaving nothing behind for them but a vast, toxic wasteland.

Lalapoo said...

I want number five and number seven
thank you in advance

Andrea (ace1028) said...

I love your list. I already have plenty of hips to share, but always have, so I'll pass on that one. I most especially love the ice cream rule. I had ice cream every night during my pregnancy without guilt. Doesn't feel the same now that she's two. ;)

btw: I'm a former NYer turned Southern Belle, as well.

Kate said...

I think all of them are great, sure wish we had some of those perks. Great blog. I will be back.

Kathy B! said...

I've already popped out for kiddos. Can I get a retroactive credit for the masseuse, good parking spots and plastic surgery?! Pretty please :)

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I hope you'll stop back again.

Eve said...

Thanks Ladies. I will be sure to add you all to the "list". Memos will be sent to husbands/boyfriends/baby-daddys ASAP!