5.17.2010

The "S" on my chest





I feel DRAINED. My day has flown by, and I am sitting here trying to figure out what was the most important thing I did all day. The fact of the matter is that everything I did today was the most important thing. Mainly because many of those “important things” were on my To-Do List from the day before. The older I get, the harder it seems for me to accomplish everything I need to do. However, a large part of that can be blamed on my alter ego “Eve”. She wants everything perfect, all of the time, and does not take ‘No’ for an answer. She has a zillion hobbies, hundreds of friends, and tons of new goals every single day. She’s always trying her best, always thinking of others, and always trying to be smart AND pretty at the same time. She is essentially the thorn in my side. But I digress….

I have reassessed my goals, and have decided to map out a new plan for success. But unfortunately for me, I have been unable to take it one step at a time. Every single day, I attempt to take on e-v-e-r-y single goal I’ve thought about in the past 6 months. And the end result is that I feel drained. Today was no different. As if tackling the Monday Blues wasn’t bad enough, to top it all off this afternoon's Oprah featured Will and Jada Pinkett Smith (as if I needed a reminder of what perfection looked like). I couldn't help but to sit on the edge of my seat desperately waiting for Jada to slip up and say the wrong thing. But no suck luck. Always camera-ready, and perfectly posed, Jada sat through the entire interview and delivered what seemed to be an effortless interview with none other than "The O". That alone would have been enough to make me wet my pants.

I have to be perfectly honest, being a parent is one of the most vulnerable things that you will ever do in life. I am constantly second guessing myself, and praying to God that I make ALL the right decisions ALL of the time. In my heart I know that no parent will make all of the right decisions ALL of the time, but the irrational side of me wants to make sure that I protect my little man every single second of the day. So every single day I look for perfection in my parenting routine and hope that the little midget does not smell the fear in my heart.

So...unfortunately it seems that I will not be able to answer every email, cook every meal, hand-wash all of my delicates, and still have drinks with the girls. That is my reality, and I have to be okay with that. I can still have a few things left over on my To-Do List and not feel like a leper. I have strong reason to believe that some of the greatest women I admire have sometimes had leftovers on their To-Do List…I guess it’s not a crime. So when I look again at how my day unfolded and wonder what the most important thing was, I finally have an answer…The most important thing I did today was go to the grocery with sweat pants and a baseball cap on. Why was that so important? Because I finally allowed myself to not care, and put it in the pile with tomorrow’s “leftovers”.