I think I'm in denial. Another new year is upon us, and there is a part of me that kinda refuses to acknowledge it. It sounds so cliche, but I just cannot believe it is about to be 2012. Saying it out loud makes me realize just how many years of my life have gone by. In my mind I am still stuck in 1982, celebrating New Year's at home with my family. Yet in reality I am stumbling around in 2011 with my own family trying to make sense of what the coming year will bring.
When you are young, New Year's is just another cause for celebration. Its an excuse to overeat, drink too much, and be incredibly loud and obnoxious. But once you hit your 30's and your life is no longer the same, celebrating New Year's is much deeper than what's on the surface. Some people make outlandish resolutions that they know good and well that they will never keep, others run out and try and do everything they didn't do the year before, and yet others sit around and become extremely depressed at the people and things that have changed over the past year. I've never been one for making New Year's resolutions; no need when I'm constantly making DAILY resolutions. For me its much more practical, and its ten times easier to keep myself in check. And sitting around being depressed at the 'coulda, woulda, shoulda's' has never gotten me anywhere either.
I don't think I have ever been able to reflect on my year and see only the good that has happened. Each year of my life has been marked with joy and sadness all wrapped up into one. Each year in the midst of growth, some tragedy seems to strike, and it makes me stop and contemplate where my life is going and how far I have to go to reach my goals. This year I sat and watched as tragedy happened to those around me. There is nothing worse than watching the people you love suffer uncontrollably, and not having the power to change their circumstances. It is damn near impossible for anyone with a smidgen of emotion to not be broken up by the circumstances of those you love. But unfortunately we have no choice but to accept it. Once we accept that tragedy and suffering must coexist in this world we are one step closer to healing. For years I drove myself insane over the perils of watching others suffer. I just could not accept the fact that there was nothing I could do to help change their circumstances. After years of beating myself up I finally came to grips with the fact that every battle is not yours to fight. Some times you are merely meant to sit back and dress their wounds after battle and speak to their heart when they are weary. Some times they will not always hear your prayers, but that doesn't mean that your prayers don't have life.
This may sound crazy but for me tragedy has had to coexist in my life in order to keep the good vibes flowing. Tragedy has made me wake up and realize that I am indeed much closer to my goals than I thought. And with each tragic moment of 2011 I found a multitude of triumph. It was almost as if the events were personified and sending me messages with hidden meanings. Each time the world seemed to stop and spin a little slower while I sat back and watched each leaf on the tree fall at its own speed. I found a new epiphany with each second on the clock, and had trouble catching up and absorbing all the new knowledge that was imparted from that tree. I saw revelations of things my grandmother spoke of years before, and finally made sense of the role players in my life. I also realized that there is so much more to the mystery of life than I ever thought was there. I would have to live another 70 years just to understand it all. But for now, just knowing that there is comfort and understanding that follows my tears is enough for me to enjoy the dance of life.